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+--- Thread: AW First to Thine Own Self (/showthread.php?tid=11520)
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First to Thine Own Self - Nate - 5/7/2026
Birdsong filled the woodland, and Nate, without truly realizing he was doing it, whistled back to them a song of his own. A mod-podge melody, it meandered through his subconscious as he trailed the edge of a clearwater creek.
His time might be better spent hunting... but this morning, he preoccupied himself looking for shiny stones. Colorful or unusually shaped ones, or things that glittered. He'd once had quite a collection in his life before. Becoming a wolf didn't mean surrendering all his old hobbies, surely.
If he was intending to stay here, among the flowered woodlands and butterfly swarms, he felt now it might be possible to amass little treasures again.
The diversion gave him time to think, too, about what it would mean if the others stayed here, with him. Or if they didn't. Having realized he didn't want to run away, anymore, he now had to contend with the possibility of losing companions to things beyond his control.
No easy answers, anymore, if there ever were any. Nate paused with a mouthful of rocks at a shallow crossing, and watched morning smoke float over the ripples.
RE: First to Thine Own Self - Tsídii - 5/8/2026
There was still some joy to be had, for all the cruelty they had gone through. Everyone was alive. Well enough to heal, even if they were injured.
And it wasn't good enough for some stubborn part of them.
Nate knew his new friends. Their traveling companions all knew each other, Elk Charm and Chakliux and Samo and all. Cecil barely knew any of them. Had taken for granted the bonds that clan gave- or at least taken for granted the idea that death would outright kill them. Didn't think they could be blamed for such a thing.
Well, that left them where it'd left them when Mithwyth had taken off after Ko-Ga and Nate'd done his best to run off without them or Nat. Alone.
…They could do what he had been trying to do for months, fall off a cliff or break through some ice and make it stick this time. But Nate would doubtless have some reason for it all and Cecil- couldn't think of any. And the act of going through the motions were as good a reason as any to go through the motions for now.
But. They'd picked up most of what a wolf needed to know, even if their fish-gutting skills were a mite rusty.
Cecil thought about leaving.
Nobody would stop them. Hell, might not even notice for a time. Spring was back, they could fend for themself well enough, there were miles and miles of this land they'd only seen in the grips of an unnatural winter. It'd been the barest flicker of an idea at first, but now… had some real weight to it.
They turned it over as they walked along the bank, damp grass and reeds brushing their sides. The morning woods were alive with birdsong and the chirp of insects. They'd found the quiet of a snowy morning calming once, and now could only find it in them to be fervently glad it weren't that way any longer.
And then the river bent and Nate was there.
They hadn't spoken. Cecil hadn't much been needed for the injured since a real healer'd accompanied them, and there were no words they had particularly wanted to give. Still weren't now, 'cause Cecil hadn't had the energy to think on them, but certainly anything they would have said fled their mind the moment they noticed his mouth was bulging with… rocks?
"...What are you doing?"
And it wasn't good enough for some stubborn part of them.
Nate knew his new friends. Their traveling companions all knew each other, Elk Charm and Chakliux and Samo and all. Cecil barely knew any of them. Had taken for granted the bonds that clan gave- or at least taken for granted the idea that death would outright kill them. Didn't think they could be blamed for such a thing.
Well, that left them where it'd left them when Mithwyth had taken off after Ko-Ga and Nate'd done his best to run off without them or Nat. Alone.
…They could do what he had been trying to do for months, fall off a cliff or break through some ice and make it stick this time. But Nate would doubtless have some reason for it all and Cecil- couldn't think of any. And the act of going through the motions were as good a reason as any to go through the motions for now.
But. They'd picked up most of what a wolf needed to know, even if their fish-gutting skills were a mite rusty.
Cecil thought about leaving.
Nobody would stop them. Hell, might not even notice for a time. Spring was back, they could fend for themself well enough, there were miles and miles of this land they'd only seen in the grips of an unnatural winter. It'd been the barest flicker of an idea at first, but now… had some real weight to it.
They turned it over as they walked along the bank, damp grass and reeds brushing their sides. The morning woods were alive with birdsong and the chirp of insects. They'd found the quiet of a snowy morning calming once, and now could only find it in them to be fervently glad it weren't that way any longer.
And then the river bent and Nate was there.
They hadn't spoken. Cecil hadn't much been needed for the injured since a real healer'd accompanied them, and there were no words they had particularly wanted to give. Still weren't now, 'cause Cecil hadn't had the energy to think on them, but certainly anything they would have said fled their mind the moment they noticed his mouth was bulging with… rocks?
"...What are you doing?"
RE: First to Thine Own Self - Nate - 5/12/2026
Cecil appeared like a vision through the watersmoke, and Nate's ears pricked hopefully before he remembered he'd done harm, and tilted to their sides instead. They were distant, these days, and more than Nate would have wanted. Just as he'd found the courage to stay, Cecil drew back. And Nate's navel-gazing regarding the acceptance of loss or its potential, he had to admit, bled most red from the space between them now.
He was surprised the water at his feet hadn't been stained by it.
Still, forced his tail into a friendly wag. He wished he could pretend not to know why it was happening. Just like he'd pretended pink smoke had been the only reason for what happened in the ruins. And pretended he could hide the worst parts of himself from companions who could, literally, smell your damn fear.
But the powers that were had denied him death twice in the effort to teach him something — maybe that it was time to stop pretending.
GHm—Nate started through a mouthful of rocks.
Well, that was perfectly incomprehensible.
He looked down, not eager to drop them all back into the water. Grimaced (which looked foolish, with a mouth full of rocks). Then backed up onto the grassy bank and
Pthewy!, spat them out. Tongue pulled over tugged lips and white teeth as he contended with the aftertaste of stone and spring melt.
Nate gestured vaguely to his find, though Cecil certainly could not see them from behind the grass and down the way.
Rocks.He said proudly, as if that explained it.
RE: First to Thine Own Self - Tsídii - 5/12/2026
Nate's ears pricked, in a way that made him seem nearly excited to see them. For a moment the fire and the ghosts didn't matter- Cecil didn't even mind their own instinctual reaction, the angling of their own ears, the wag of their own tail, as though they'd forgotten the ways of being a man entirely.
Then his ears folded back, and they were sharply reminded about every thing that'd happened, and how the space between them now was wide and yawning as a chasm.
And that they'd never liked heights.
Was a relief to see Nate start fumbling around for a reply before they could. Though they resented their stupid heart a little, chasing away the anger that'd felt justified only a moment ago as Nate made- well, the kinda noise you'd expect from someone with a mouth full of rocks.
Then spit them all onto the dirt.
Cecil laughed without meaning to.
They understood their own fondness by now. Just wished it weren't a thing so unwelcome by its subject. And wished it'd chosen a person whose reason for being was only to die again, or to suffer through a thing he'd tried his damnedest to escape for the sake of responsibility.
"Yeah, I see that." Cecil eyed him dubiously from where they stood, though they couldn't actually see them given the thick fog. Could only tell from the sound he hadn't just dropped them all in the river.
A little part of them wanted to just leave and go be pissed in peace. But they'd done that for a couple weeks now and made utterly no headway one way or another. So Cecil listened to the what the stupid rest of them wanted, for now, and wandered in slow steps along the riverbank towards him instead.
"And... what exactly's the point of the rocks?"
Then his ears folded back, and they were sharply reminded about every thing that'd happened, and how the space between them now was wide and yawning as a chasm.
And that they'd never liked heights.
Was a relief to see Nate start fumbling around for a reply before they could. Though they resented their stupid heart a little, chasing away the anger that'd felt justified only a moment ago as Nate made- well, the kinda noise you'd expect from someone with a mouth full of rocks.
Then spit them all onto the dirt.
Cecil laughed without meaning to.
They understood their own fondness by now. Just wished it weren't a thing so unwelcome by its subject. And wished it'd chosen a person whose reason for being was only to die again, or to suffer through a thing he'd tried his damnedest to escape for the sake of responsibility.
"Yeah, I see that." Cecil eyed him dubiously from where they stood, though they couldn't actually see them given the thick fog. Could only tell from the sound he hadn't just dropped them all in the river.
A little part of them wanted to just leave and go be pissed in peace. But they'd done that for a couple weeks now and made utterly no headway one way or another. So Cecil listened to the what the stupid rest of them wanted, for now, and wandered in slow steps along the riverbank towards him instead.
"And... what exactly's the point of the rocks?"
RE: First to Thine Own Self - Nate - 5/12/2026
It felt a bit like pretending, still. Going through the motions. But Nate supposed several things could be true at once and it wasn't lying to decide which feelings, or impulses, to act on. So he let his tail keep wagging. Told himself this time he was the greenbroke horse, spooked by some shadow a thing and just needed coaxing through it to see himself to the other side.
Cecil might leave. But so far, Cecil had stayed. And now, Cecil was here.
Asking about rocks which... Nate didn't think he had any particularly good explanation for.
I used to uh, keep 'em? In a little pouch, with some old coins from Pa and beads my Eduda gave me. And marbles. I figured... might be nice to have some shiny rocks, again.
Folk were building lodges. Digging dens. Nate supposed at some point maybe he ought to do the same, and it would be nice to have things to decorate with.
RE: First to Thine Own Self - Tsídii - 5/12/2026
100th cecilpost for nate have some more drama<3
Reeds parted and crunched beneath their step. Nate's tail went on wagging as Cecil drew closer, so they could let themself believe- even if it were for a short while, knowing the words on their tongue that needed to be said- that things were alright.
It weren't a thing for a dying man to do, collect shiny stones for the joy of it, and Cecil got that. Stored it away. They remembered the little marble of amber they'd unearthed during the long dark month of searching.
But couldn't keep their eyes from lingering a little too long on the forking scars along his shoulder and still-flattened ears. Reality always made itself plain. If nothing else, Cecil could be good at pretending.
They were a little sick of it now.
"Guess kids are the same everywhere. Used to have a little collection of antler tines myself." Long gone now, left home and lost like everything else with the bullet that'd killed them.
They knew they were stalling.
Cecil's eyes shifted uneasily to the side. Their mouth tightened. Weeks to put together the damn things they wanted to say and they'd never come up with a single sentence that felt right, but they weren't in the mood to play coy with things. Better to just...
They blew out an exhale. "I've thought about leavin'," Cecil admitted, and let it fall between them like the stones scattered at Nate's feet.
RE: First to Thine Own Self - Nate - 5/16/2026
BEST way to celebrate 100 posts Congrats Cecil!!
Nate's scar burned as if the stare upon it were fresh branding, and swallowed. But didn't look away — whether out of wariness or will.
Yeah, ha, kids.He chuckled, shrugging. If it was childish, he supposed felt no shame about it.
Didn't stop bein' pretty just 'cause I grew up, so...
Cecil fidgeted, and Nate's words drifted off in favor of a harder look. Lips softened into a curious frown beneath shaded gaze. Waiting, and patient for it. Or trying to be. Because a racing heart and the lack of mindfulness to breathe made it hard to feel settled at all.
When they finally spoke, even the birds up treeside seemed to quiet. Just the pair of them and the babbling brook to contend with something they'd both known about for a while but now had to face.
Well, Nate supposed he could still choose not to. But he was trying to be done leaving good things to wilt for fear of failing.
He looked down at his stones. Then back to Cecil, and maybe a little of the hurt shone through,
Wouldn't blame you if you did.But even so, and still, regardless,
You decided? Or still turning things around...?
RE: First to Thine Own Self - Tsídii - 5/16/2026
Nate looked at what lay gathered by his paws.
Cecil did too. It was simpler than looking eye to eye, even if some men called it the behavior of a liar. A coward. Whether it were truth or not came and went, but... not in this moment.
Neither was Nate. And Cecil thought a scant few months ago he would have run to be faced with it, and was quietly pleased, that he hadn't. Even if the decision would've been simpler, that way.
"Still here, ain't I?" A shake of their head, a wry smile. "Nah. It's a hard thing to make a decision on."
And if they had made it, if it were easy enough to choose without sight of the man who'd brought them here- they wouldn't have lingered to ask. Cecil felt they owed Nate more than that. Felt Nate owed a chance to explain.
When their eyes turned finally back to him, they couldn't fail to miss the hurt on his face. Couldn't deny the gutpunch in it, either. They just went right on hurting each other one way or another. Knew this weren't the first time they'd done it to him; knew it was no less certain the other way around.
Cecil kept themself from looking away, this time.
"I ain't here to fight. Don't want it to be taken that way. But... why're you still here, Nate?" Cecil's teeth pressed into their cheek. "What happened?"
He'd made mention of a fight he couldn't win, when he'd come back alive. And Cecil meant that- meant, too, that Nate'd never spoken a word of what had really gone on to bring him here.
They didn't expect answer either way, but wanted it, fiercely. Wanted to believe that this- that they- might be worth something other than responsibility. The reality of it sat tangled behind their ribs, and ached. Cecil was sick of aching over it.
Their ears flattened, mirroring his own. "Didn't think you'd stay."
Cecil did too. It was simpler than looking eye to eye, even if some men called it the behavior of a liar. A coward. Whether it were truth or not came and went, but... not in this moment.
Neither was Nate. And Cecil thought a scant few months ago he would have run to be faced with it, and was quietly pleased, that he hadn't. Even if the decision would've been simpler, that way.
"Still here, ain't I?" A shake of their head, a wry smile. "Nah. It's a hard thing to make a decision on."
And if they had made it, if it were easy enough to choose without sight of the man who'd brought them here- they wouldn't have lingered to ask. Cecil felt they owed Nate more than that. Felt Nate owed a chance to explain.
When their eyes turned finally back to him, they couldn't fail to miss the hurt on his face. Couldn't deny the gutpunch in it, either. They just went right on hurting each other one way or another. Knew this weren't the first time they'd done it to him; knew it was no less certain the other way around.
Cecil kept themself from looking away, this time.
"I ain't here to fight. Don't want it to be taken that way. But... why're you still here, Nate?" Cecil's teeth pressed into their cheek. "What happened?"
He'd made mention of a fight he couldn't win, when he'd come back alive. And Cecil meant that- meant, too, that Nate'd never spoken a word of what had really gone on to bring him here.
They didn't expect answer either way, but wanted it, fiercely. Wanted to believe that this- that they- might be worth something other than responsibility. The reality of it sat tangled behind their ribs, and ached. Cecil was sick of aching over it.
Their ears flattened, mirroring his own. "Didn't think you'd stay."
RE: First to Thine Own Self - Nate - 5/18/2026
Not yet. Cecil was weighing it out. Which meant Nate's answer could make all the difference in the world. He swallowed.
It was easy to recognize he didn't want them to leave. And maybe easy to say that, too. But to persuade for it...?
Yeah, guess I can't really blame you for thinking that way.Sitting on his haunches, Nate glanced to either side of the grass at his feet before finding the courage to face Cecil again head on.
That spirit gave us three doors...Three choices.
And I went to save the fella in chains.
Months now Cecil kept looking at Nate like he might jump into the abyss at any moment. Mostly that'd made him sad, sometimes it'd made him angry. He told himself his life didn't mean so much compared to the others, and that he didn't want to die but he wasn't afraid to if it meant helping them.
Didn't want to understand why the others couldn't just accept, sometimes to win the war you had to lose a few soldiers. Didn't want to admit the only soldier he was ever willing to lose was himself.
The journey back had given him some time to ponder since then. Didn't think what he planned to say next would be much inspiration to Cecil... but it was the truth. It was the reason he slept poor and the first step on a long trail that brought them here. You couldn't tell about the end without knowing the beginning.
Too many times I haven't been able to do any real good for anyone.Lips tugged with self-effacing chagrin,
I was in the army. Translator and scout... for the 1st and 2nd Cavalry, mostly.The ones they sent to conquer.
Joined soon as I was old enough. Thought maybe I could make a difference.A scoff. Did that make it better, that he'd had good intentions? Would Cecil still call them kin, knowing?
Learned a thing or two about how some men practice hate like it's a kind of profession.
Smile twisted into something sad and thorny.
Learned how scared folks are, too. Realized being scared was the reason for most of the shit men do to each other.Ears clipped sideways,
Wolves, too, I guess.
There was more. He hadn't answered the question yet. But maybe after hearing the start, Cecil would decide they didn't want to stay for the end. Nate's throat closed in on itself and he wrestled for his tongue back long enough it might inspire interruption.
RE: First to Thine Own Self - Tsídii - 5/19/2026
Cecil nodded. "Yeah, I remember. I came to sing... chose what I was good at."
And Nate had chosen what he was good at. Natural as breathing, and Cecil resented it as though they could do a damn thing about it. The spirit had made clear what lay behind that door; now it took form in the shape of a scar climbing his shoulder, the strike of a lightning bolt.
It was the same thing they knew full well Nate had been chasing. An excuse.
Oh, they believed he meant it- that he cared, and that was why he did without breathing. Second nature. But knew even though they would've thrown themself in front of a bullet for their family, they also knew they would've spared a thought beforehand for what it'd leave in their wake.
And Cecil knew they'd been fortunate, avoiding the cruelest parts of the long reach of fledgling America, even if it'd ended with a bullet to the skull. Even if their people couldn't. Nate'd already said his Pa preferred him white; that his mother's people were barely his people at all.
They'd seen it happen before, piece by piece. Sometimes there weren't a good choice. Just different forms of hurt, each sinking bone-deep as the next.
The smile on Nate's face made plain what he thought about what he'd done. This was condemnation just as much as confession and there were a dozen things Cecil could say- all more like to be brushed away now than accepted. Didn't want to interrupt.
Nate's fear was no great revelation. But that was what they'd wanted- to have it spoken aloud. There between them in something other than suggestion.
"You're scared," Cecil said. "I am too."
And Nate had chosen what he was good at. Natural as breathing, and Cecil resented it as though they could do a damn thing about it. The spirit had made clear what lay behind that door; now it took form in the shape of a scar climbing his shoulder, the strike of a lightning bolt.
It was the same thing they knew full well Nate had been chasing. An excuse.
Oh, they believed he meant it- that he cared, and that was why he did without breathing. Second nature. But knew even though they would've thrown themself in front of a bullet for their family, they also knew they would've spared a thought beforehand for what it'd leave in their wake.
And Cecil knew they'd been fortunate, avoiding the cruelest parts of the long reach of fledgling America, even if it'd ended with a bullet to the skull. Even if their people couldn't. Nate'd already said his Pa preferred him white; that his mother's people were barely his people at all.
They'd seen it happen before, piece by piece. Sometimes there weren't a good choice. Just different forms of hurt, each sinking bone-deep as the next.
The smile on Nate's face made plain what he thought about what he'd done. This was condemnation just as much as confession and there were a dozen things Cecil could say- all more like to be brushed away now than accepted. Didn't want to interrupt.
Nate's fear was no great revelation. But that was what they'd wanted- to have it spoken aloud. There between them in something other than suggestion.
"You're scared," Cecil said. "I am too."